Pre- Deployment Thoughts

Hello lovely readers. This is a pretty long post, but I wanted one place where I collected all my thoughts from the week before Lane's deployment. I won't be giving any dates, but you get an idea of how my feelings and emotions progressed. I am going to do an entire post on the actual day he left.

Deployment T-1 Week 

I was a complete mess last night. We were going over our pre-deployment checklist and I just lost it. I cried and sobbed and told him not to go. Man, that tough and strong Molly that was going to rock this deployment was nowhere to be found last night. Today was better, but I think I will probably have a few more of these before he actually leaves. Having coffee with O, whose husband already deployed, was harder than I thought. I knew that I would be in her exact shoes in about a week. It just made me so sad. I feel like we are in a good place. Financially we have a plan, and I am determined to pay off a significant portion of our debt while he is gone. I know I will probably splurge a little on "feel better" purchases, but I can still try to budget as much as possible.

I am really tired of the uncertainty. We still don't have an exact date. I can't imagine how hard this must be for people trying to end their leases and women moving back home. I know the day he is supposed to leave, but who knows if that will actually happen.

Deployment T-6 Days

I have been exhausted for the past few days. It doesn't seem to matter how much I sleep, I am still tired. I have no energy or ability to really care about anything else. I am relieved that I went ahead and took all of next week off. Regardless of what day he actually deploys, I don't think there is any possibility I would be good at my job next week. I just think it taking up too much energy being sad. I have never really been ok with giving less than 100% at work, but I don't have it in me right now. S ( another army wife) is the complete opposite with loads and loads of nervous energy. That is always how I have been in the past with things like Ranger School or other imminent departures. Not this time though. This time I am just tired. I am fairly certain that I will just sleep for most of the day after he leaves.

I think Asha understands that something is happening. She has been very sweet and interactive with us this week. I can't tell you how happy she makes me. Every army wife should get a dog.

Luckily for Lane and I, we have been spared the fighting that a lot of couples go through right before deployment. It is perfectly normal, and one of the expected reactions to impending absences. It is helpful that I don't care at all about house upkeep right now. I am doing the bare minimum to keep us from living in squalor, but leaving clothes on the floor? Pshhhh. Piles of papers on the table? Doesn't bother me at all.

Deployment T-5 Days

We drove past our neighbors' house today and saw a giant pile of rucks about to be loaded into the car. They were clearly on their way to drop of their soldier for his deployment. I burst into uncontrollable sobbing. Man this is rough. I had all these dreams of holding myself together when I say goodbye, now I don't think that is even a possibility. The fact that we still don't have exact times or dates makes it even worse.

Deployment T-4 Days

So the anxiety associated with this has actually caused me to break out in hives. I had these awful skin rashes ( like of sort of eczema) while I was in middle school, but they haven't resurfaced in years. Well surprise surprise here they are again. I feel like I am doing ok, but there is a constant level of anxiety. I am really just ready for him to leave. I know it will be horrible, and I will be very sad. However, I just want to get it over with because this week is excruciating. I decided to do some walk-in appointments at work this week, and I think it was a good distraction today. Lane took the car for a full check-up so we would have either been stuck at the repair place together for a few hours, or I could work and make some money. Everything on our pre-deployment checklist is done. All we have to do now is cherish these last days together.

T-1 Day
It is at the point now where I can look at the clock and think " In 18 hours I will be putting him on a bus". For a while we were told that we would drop them off at Squadron and that was it. Now we find out that we can stay with them theoretically for another four hours. I don't think I can do it. My plan is to go, stay for an hour or so, and then come home. I don't think I can handle the sitting around waiting for that long. It just makes me cringe thinking about it. I will be fine for an hour. Get pictures with him and all his team members, cry a little and then head home. I was great the last two days. I was upbeat and focused on cherishing our time together. I am a little shakier today, but still infinitely better than the shit show that was last week. I feel ok.